Raw

Ok, warning, deep stuff in this post as it is a bit of me in the raw ( like the whole blog isn't!) and it is LOOOooooonnnnnngg.

I almost didn't write any reply but the mother in me feels as though she is protecting her pack, so to say. If you go the to post "lab woes", previous to this one, and look at the first response under comments you'll understand what this post is about.

I feel the need to reply to the comment and since it was posted anonymously I have no other means to reach this person than here. I also want to respond in the case that there are others whom feel the same way. First off, I want to thank you for your concern for my older two children and to let you know that I really hope you have been reading into things on my blog a bit differently than what was meant. Second off I feel the need to set a few things straight:

I never, EVER, once went into adoption as needing "to save kids from poverty, and pain". There are so many children in need, how would you know where to start and would you be doing it for reasons of raising a healthy family? If all you want to do is save children, invest time and finances into charities that do so, don't bring an orphan into your family. This is simply the means that my husband and I have used to expand our family. When faced with the option of a difficult pregancy and the idea of me not being able to provide for our birth children during that time, we both revisted our earlier dreams of adopting a child or children that needed a home.

The birthday party is not being done at my birth daughters' expense but rather as a extra-special treat for them. I am sure you read it wrong as this is their first one, before or after adopting. They are big sisters now and that comes with big changes. We discussed finally having a party and agreed on some very basic ground rules (the number of guests and amount of "fluff" that would transpire.) They are as excited as anything about the party and it is about all they can talk about since the decision. Where I come from not everyone has a big party every year and I do not see how finally doing a party for them is at their own expense? Besides since when does throwing a huge party every year with themed cakes, plates, napkins, games, etc. mean that you love your kids more than the person who chooses not to or perhaps can not afford to do so?

The relatives are allowed to hold the babies and love on them and kiss on them and talk as silly as they want to them. However for a short time (approximately 6 weeks) we choose to be the only ones to feed, diaper, and bath the babies as we prefer to be the ones to comfort them when they are upset. Not some strange idea on our part to hog the babies or selfishly hold onto them and exclude others, but suggestions from attachment specialists. This is not to deprive them of family, to deprive the family of them, or to make them different from our birth children. It is to make them feel more like our birth children in the long run. (In fact the older two are more than welcome to help out and they love to help with diapers, as long as they aren't stinky, and to hold bottles... the babies bonding to them are almost as important as the babies bonding to my husband and I.) Trust me I have two grandmas chomping at the bit to do a bottle and bath with these guys and I can't wait to have them let loose so I can spend more one on one time with my older two. We actually did this with our older two, not on purpose like this, but I nursed and both grandparents were uncomfortable with that decision so for awhile they kind of kept their distance until they realized they can help care for a nursing baby.

The Easter Egg hunt in question involved HUNDREDS of kids from the ages of 3-7 all running around and screaming during theatrics done before the hunt would even begin. It was a mess, with no order, and I simply admit of myself that I can not handle large amounts of other peoples children like that. That experience has put a bit of a fear into me of large brithday parties, especially where I am responsible for others' children and the happiness of my own (it is their birthday) all at once. I know how to handle my kids, what makes them tick, how to calm them down, and comfort them. This is something that changes with each child and I won't even pretend to know this about anyone else's child. The birthday party is being planned as to keep me from stressing while providing the girls with a bit of the birthday party little girls dream of. The whole family has been through changes and it is a bit stressful trying to adjust to a new normal, as my husband calls it. A party with 7 young girls (my 2 princesses and 5 others that I know and trust) I can handle and I am so sorry that you didn't read into the sarcasm expressed at the end of the birthday party post.

When we decided to make adopting the twins a go we had to decide a few things that unfortunately were not things we thought about before. When starting this journey we had planned for an acutal adoption date of this coming summer. The idea of adopting twins so soon was one we had to fiscally look at to see if it was possible. We were assured we would arrive home before the new year and therefore the tax returns would help to pay some of what we had not yet saved, so yes I was stressed about tax credits (the adoption credit of $10K per child, not simply another dependant) as they were part of how we financially planned to pay for the adoption. Tax returns, I believe, are mentioned in two posts that are posted under much stress and added finance. The main cause of that stress, more than anything, was missing my older two (a re-occuring theme if you have followed along.) If you recall, my Christmas wish was for my girls to come to me since I could not go to them.

Princesses is a loving term I use for my children, not the pampered, spoiled, and snotty image it may procure, but that they are everything to me...all four of them. It is a term the older two prefer right now as they are at the age of fascination with Cinderella, Barbie, and all girly things in between. I am amazed as each day goes by at how much love can mulitply in the heart. I have the same love for all my children equally, no matter where they came from. It truly is amazing that love isn't something that is just grown in the womb!

My blog is not a need for attention or selfishisness. In fact it is here for long-distance family and friends to read, for fellow adopting parents to read and hopefully learn as I did from other blogs, and more importantly it has evolved into a journal for my children to have when they are grown.

I also want to say that it wasn't simply a "God moment" that has drove me here, but moment after moment and day after day. In my profile it is stated first that I am a follower of Christ and that is part of who I am as much as being a mother to these four precious girls or being a wife of my husband, so yes God is included in everything I do. Adopting these girls was not something done on a whim, or jumped into lightly. I believe whole-heartedly that these twins are part of God's plan for our lives and to that I will make no apology. The turn of events that has happened from the beginning of this process to the very day I arrived home is nothing short of a miracle to our family. My older two are so in love with their litte sisters and I am so proud of them for jumping right into their role of big sisters. I have been meaning to address how it seemed like God disappeared from my posts while in Vietnam, be assured I did not change or forget my faith and relationship with Christ while gone, but did not share that part for the reason of being tagged for censorship while in a communist country. I have heard first-hand accounts of those who have received a visit from the local police to their hotel room after posting what they call "propaganda" in an email, let alone to a public blog. I was there to adopt the twins and did not plan on doing anything to endager that. Even in emailing to friends I typed words differently than normal and omitted words/letters as to keep from being suspicious of wanting to turn the entire country to the Christian faith. I can not tell you all how frustrating it was to not be able to post how deeply I felt at the first sight of the twins that God would entrust them to me, and how unworthy I felt. How upset I would get not being able to daily post how people could pray for me and how God was working through my days. I accounted for much but was unable to give God credit where due.

As far as neglecting my older two, that is a pretty high charge. You are not here for the time we spend reading, the building of hamsters out of puff balls, and the making a lasagna for daddy to eat. I may not journal the early morning hours spent doing paper dolls while the babies sleep near by as the older two just want to be near them or the time we spend working on party invitations, making books, dancing to music in the kitchen, putting glitter in our hair, and all the things that we mothers do with our little girls. I don't include all this mainly because it is an adoption blog and also because my life is so full that if I included it all it would be more like a daily newspaper than a blog! If my older two start acting like they need mommy time, I know it is time to turn on the bouncy seats or find a soft blanket and let the babies play with each other a bit as it is always at the front of my mind that I am a blessed mother of four princesses! If the babies cry for a few minutes while we finish up the last paper-doll, that is ok. If the babies spend some time alone with each other, rather than with mommy in their face all day, that is ok. I have a household of 6 to run and not one person in this house is treated any differently than the other. Adopting two children, in our case twin babies, out of need for attention is not what this mother is about, though perhaps wanting a larger family can be percieved as selfish I feel the charge is unjust.

I am so sorry that you have read my blog and derived things so incorrectly. In the future I will try my best to communicate more clearly and to let it be know when there is a hint of sarcasm (even my husband sometimes asks "is that serious or joking".) Hopefully this post clears any unease you or any reader may feel at my writings, especially my children when they read this in the future. I assure readers that while at first I was a bit ruffled from this response, I will not delete or discourage discussion on here. It is my hope that it was posted in honest concern for my children and I can not fault that.

To the poster of the comment: I hope that your fears are calmed and that I have responded respectfully. I apologize for any confusion my communication style may have played in this. I end with not only asking God to bless just your family, but you as well.

Jenn