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Sunday, August 13, 2006

Husband 2

A certain female that I'm madly in love with said that my first post sounded like I "only gave into your spoiled wife because she whined and nagged you". And, I suppose it did sound that way. So much so that my wife felt she ought to explain me in her last post. Well, it was not my intention to sound that way at all. And, after review, I suppose I came across that way. My apologies, sweetie!

Truth be told, she did have to persistently bring up the subject. Most men, I think, have a great tendency toward complacency, and mainly to our detriment. We get into a groove and get comfortable and fiercely resist (consciously or sub-consciously) any attempt to rock the boat. Well, my wife was rocking my boat. So naturally, I resisted some. And, she was rightly persistent, because being lovingly persistent is the best way to get this husband to expand my thinking. I get lazy way too easily. She brought up adoption often enough that I really began to think about it. And through conversation, she made me remember that it was I, not her, who first brought up adoption. Long ago, before we were married, we talked of kids and of family size, etc. We both agreed that 4 kids sounded like a nice number (something I had forgotten, also). And I told her that I had always thought adopting a child would be a cool thing to do. All kids deserve a good home. Little did I expect that it would be something I would actually be pursuing later in life.

When I remembered our shared desires, my desires, really, about a larger family and about adopting, I knew there was no turning back. Funny how remembering those pre-marriage talks (and some early post-marriage ones, too) really sealed my heart toward adoption. But, true to male form, I don't show much emotion on it, even in writing. Which I'm sure drives my wife crazy. I don't like being anxious, or having my emotions on a rollercoaster while waiting. So, I simply don't let them. I know that everything will happen in its due course, that things will take longer than we want them, that stress about money will happen, that anxiety will set in at nearly every step, and so on. So, I try to stay focused on my day-to-day life, on family, work, church, etc. I am looking forward to travel to another land, to finding out what my next 2 children will look like. I'm nearly convinced 1 will be a girl! But I guess I'm partial to little girls, being that's all I've known.

I am concerned about how we'll all handle the long flights and about our safety when we're there. I'm presently a little freaked out about attachment, especially since we're adopting older children. Oh, and length of time in country versus my limited vacation time from work. Ugh! And then there's the uncertainty of something going wrong somewhere in the process and delaying the whole thing indefinitely! Golly, I guess I am anxious when I get to thinking about things. Funny how I can even fool myself about my emotions sometimes. I wonder if that is part of how guys are wired. I know if I focus on my anxieties, they'll take over all my thoughts and control my mind. I guess being non-emotional is a self-defense mechanism because I'm very emotional underneath. I can already feel myself getting prepared to love two Vietnamese children as my own as soon as I see their pictures. I already know I'll have to the urge to immediately fly over, barge into the orphanage, grab them, and high-tail it back here as soon as possible! They're my kids, after all!

Oh, and about the Beauty and the Beast skit below: All I kept thinking while on stage was "Funny have a bald-headed beast!". And then they made us all bow at the end! Good grief! But it was fun.


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