I think this is my third post on here, but I could be wrong. I figured I should post on here because it's been a while and because I had the feeling I should. But I'm not quite sure what to say. We'll, I guess I'll just tell where I'm at in the process.
We leave in about 2 weeks. I'm not sure if I'm in denial, shock, guarding my emotions, have tunnel vision, or what, but it really hasn't hit home to me what is about to happen. I think I'm trying to prepare myself, but I doubt I'll really know how prepared I am emotionally and mentally until the day to leave arrives. A pain about being a man, at least for me, is that my emotions have a way of sneaking up on me and betraying me. Examples:
My mother was honored as "Mother of the Year" at our church a few years ago on Mother's Day. To celebrate it, the pastor asked each of us boys (3 out of the 4 were home at the time) to say a few words about our mom during the service. I had, I think, 2 memories I wanted to share. I had no real emotion preparing my remarks. But sure enough, as I started to speak into that microphone, I started to ball. I had no idea where the emotion came from, but it was sudden, heavy, and real.
Same thing when Olivia was born. I handled it all pretty well, level-headed, steady and supportive husband, trying to do the best I can. But when we got home, WHAM! I was an emotional mess for about a week. I'm hoping beyond hope and praying that I'm prepared for this. We'll see :) A NEW NORMAL. We all have to get used to a new normal.
Back to my original point: It feels very surreal. And I'm not really sure what to make of it. As I step back, and review all the events that have happened to bring us to this point, I find myself remarking to...myself, that I never asked for any of this to happen. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not bemoaning or regretting what's happening. I'm excited and can't wait for life to begin anew. But, it wasn't my idea to look into adoption, into expanding our family, into the airlines, the agencies, the hotels, the passport photos, the forms, the loans, paper certifications, passport photos, re-certifying papers, letters of employment, birth certificates, and on and on and ending up with having to get more passport photos. And babies, I didn't ask for babies. I thought we were going to toddlers and had put 1-5 years of age on our homestudy application. But, we get the completed homestudy back and it says 0-5 years old! My wife said I agreed to that. Darn my short-term memory! And 2 girls; I didn't ask for 2 girls. Deep down, I hoped for a boy and a girl. And twin girls to boot! And the agency we have now wasn't even the one we picked and started with. Not to mention how we thought it would be deep into '07 before we even had a referral. Nothing is how I expected it to be. It's just been amazing how things have happened.
But, in the beginning, I realized this was way over my head. And I knew maybe I was being overly cautious about it. So, I gave it all to God. I have a mental picture of me holding the whole adoption process in my hands, and lifting it up and handing it over to Him. I knew my wife wanted to adopt, but I wasn't so sure, so I gave it all over to Him. He knows what's best for my family, way better than I do. And I have trusted in Him this whole process, believing that if adoption was not right for us, it would be stopped somehow. But, if it was part of His will for us, I asked that He would bless the process. I asked that He would guide us to the right children, boys or girls or both. And if adoption was right for us, I prayed and am still praying, for Him to bless the children we would be adopting.
This has been my heart and my prayer for however many months it's been since we started the process. And oh, my goodness, what a ride it's been! Looking back, I have to believe that God has definitely been involved. It's ironic, but I got a new job about 6 months ago. My company pretty much eliminated my position/couldn't afford to keep me. I didn't ask to change jobs, or deal with the stress of finding a new one. But it's been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I didn't have to move, it's a more secure job, better benefits, better pay, a company vehicle, plenty of room for promotion, and oh, yeah, an adoption benefit. And it only took a month to get it. But, I turned that whole process over to God, too, and told Him I'd go wherever He sent me. And where I'm at is the last place I expected. Go figure. So, if I trusted in God then, how could I do anything but trust in Him now? Especially now with the most important step of the process (going to Vietnam) about to happen. I'm giving it all over to Him and trusting in Him.
Yep, I can take no credit for how amazing our adoption process has been. All credit goes to my wife and my God. My wife has put hours upon hours of research, paperwork, stress, etc., and I know none of this would be happening if it wasn't for her love and determination. I am truly blessed.